2nd August 2009, Kings Park Sports Ground, Kowloon
Match report by Neil Cousins
So all the talk was over. This was it. The day that the Hong Kong Reds would show their true colours and roll over all of the other supporters’ clubs in the land. The Supporters’ Football 6s had arrived.
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We had Dave "Benitez" Oh at the helm and captain Ian Agass so what could go wrong? Dave "Elisha Scott" Oh was originally our keeper, but he had wisely checked the weather forecast and decided to "break" his wrist a week before the game so he was sitting this one out. Or was it that he thought he was in the cast of "Escape to Victory" given that the TV cameras would be there. It was 36 degrees and the hottest day of the year, so it was probably a wise decision, but the lads were willing to combat the elements like the good old boys at the Battle of the Spion Kop. Dave Oh immediately did his best to pay his respects to Bobby Robson by becoming confused by the fact that Dennis V was from the Netherlands and not Deutchsland!
In true Premiership style, a few of the boys warmed up with a bit of dentist-chair action in Hong Kong the night before the tournament. Unfortunately, there were a few casualties. Ken Abela decided to carry his session on through the night as he’d rather be in Laguna than representing the Hong Kong Reds, given that all the other fat, western men were playing football and so there was no competition to be had. His cover was that he had been called in to work and had left his phone at home. Yeah, right Ken - that might work with the missus. So, we were a man down already.
Arno W arrived, after being out until 4:30am, complaining that he arrived so early at 1 hour before the game and shouldn’t have been rushed given that he had 30 minutes to spare. Eh? He even had to put his contact lenses in on the MTR. He must have forgotten to put one in his left eye if his left-foot shooting was anything to go by, his best effort ending up 2 foot from the pin - the corner flag in this case.
We could also have a case against Tony Chan for looking like he’d just got out of bed, but then this look stayed all day and when he took to the pitch he looked like he was still having a nightmare. Dave Oh decided it was just his style. Tony turned up with his WAG, Joyce. She was there to give Tony a facial, pedicure and massage once he had played 3 mins on the pitch. Not very tiring work for her then.
The Hong Kong Reds were drawn in a group with Man Utd, Celtic and St Pauli and by the time of the first game the boys were bubbling and shaking on boiling hot Pepsi and Gatorade kindly donated by Duncan Micallef (ever heard of ice, mate?), ready and as fresh as Neil Ruddock’s under-bra to take on United. Ice was not the only thing Duncan had forgotten as he had left his own Hong Kong Reds kit in Singapore, He had ealised the day before and was reduced to grovelling to Dave Oh in a scene reminiscent of "Mike Bassett - England Manager" - "Please play me boss..."
So the grudge match against Man Utd was on. The crowd (well, just Tony to be fair) went wild. It started badly, with the Hong Kong Reds going one down. This early setback only served to push the lads on to score two quick goals. The greatest scare came a minute before the end, when Neil Cousins picked the ball up, dropped it and then picked it up again. It’s not the 1980s, mate. In his defence, he did warn everyone that it had been 20 years since he had played in goal. So, free kick from 3 yards it was and the boys defended the goal like ghosts of the Kop and the game was saved. Job done. It was reassuring to hear the guys say that nothing else mattered and it would be no problem if we lost every other game. Dave Oh decided that the best form of motivation at this stage would be to say absolutely nothing. Shankly would have been turning in his grave.
Steve Cairns had impressed in the first game with his silky skills. But just who exactly was he trying to impress? As there were no scouts to be found, it was probably just the Filipino dancing girls. Dave Oh was pleased, as Steve had become his best signing...the night before the tournament at Amici. Steve had sent e-mails begging to play, but they had been ignored on the basis that Dave had thought it was a different Steve Cairns and he was crap. Neil had mentioned Steve a month ago as ’that stocky bloke’ who had played for the Reds before, so that was a big help. At a loss as to who it could be, Dave Oh decided to keep searching in the mirror - great scouting, mate.
After the Man Utd game, the lads headed to the bar for a well earned rest. Judging by the pools of water on the floor, the lads were drained. Dave Oh is now looking for Pampers to sponsor the team. People thought Duncan Micallef was in labour, but it’s just too many pies and Pepsi making him look so swollen.
Then Oti, who is currently producing a promo video of the Reds, arrived. He has a habit of being late, as his film has been two years in the making. Dave Oh then decided, just like Alan Shearer, that a manager’s life is too tough and that he fancied a bit of TV action. So, just like Kelly Dalglish, he started interviewing the boys for yet another promo video. The boys decided they’d prefer Kelly. Of course, these thoughts weren’t at all appropriate for a family day, but would have been suitable for a video of perhaps a more questionable nature.
 
With these confusing thoughts in mind, the Reds took to the pitch to play St Pauli in the second group game. The German outfit were suitably smashed 7-1. The Reds played total football. It was pass and move in the Liverpool groove and the Red Machine was in full effect. Dennis V and Arno W, our Dutch nationals, had a telepathic understanding. They played very sexy football together and would secretly speak Dutch during the game. And it wasn’t football they were talking about, either. It was that questionable video...
Things got even more exciting when Now TV arrived during the game. At this point, Tony Chan was even more fickle than Dave Oh and found a new profession as a Now TV sports presenter or karaoke king! Jase Li also got a bit star struck and said he was going to take his wedding ring off and have a photo with the Now TV girl. Was he the player who it was announced had lost a wedding ring? No wonder he made a quick exit after the tournament! Now TV also brought a replica Premiership Trophy. Dave Oh decided to get a photograph taken kissing the only trophy the Reds have never won and a miniature version as well, so he looked a bit like Hagrid. Luckily, the boys on the pitch carried on doing the business. Pete Gunn was oblivious to all distractions and instead intent on winning the game. Beforehand, he thought he’d scare the opposition by sweating white pus and then playing like he was actually alien to football. Even allowing for this, the game was won very comfortably.
Celtic were next up and they were taken out very calmly to put the Reds at the top of their group. Andy Creber - you know, that tall, ginger bloke from Essex at centre back (no, not Gary Gillespie or Steve Davis) - definitely showed a steady hand with his partner Dennis V to see the Reds through. They were tailored to play together. Pete Gunn turned spock-like and decided he preferred to be like a human by scoring a great goal before letting himself down by running away whirling his arms around like Graham Norton - it’s confusing being an alien.
Next up was West Ham in the semi-final. To be fair, the boys were confident as they had at least 80 years in age on the Hammers. However, the game finished 1-1 and we were into a penalty lottery. Whilst the most important game in Hong Kong Reds history was being played, Ian McAlan, after deciding he didn’t feel like playing in the tournament, won 3 crates of lager in the "kick-a-ball-in-a-bin" competition. Which he then left unwanted in Amici after the football - must surely go down as the worst performance of the day. So it was up to another Ian to take the glory...
The action started with Pearl, Neil’s missus, shouting out, "Cmon Neil!" in her best scouse accent during the penalty shootout. Obviously, this put him off as she’s from south Wales. At this point, Arno W was looking paler than Peter "I have a sensible white face" Gunn. The late night antics had certainly caught up with him. However, Arno W had seen the folly of his ways by not using his left peg and had scored 6 goals using his right foot. He did score one with his left, but it went in off his knee and he was aiming for the corner of the pitch, so we’ll ignore that.
Faced with a spot kick from about 5 yards, Neil tried to do a Brucie and instead ended up saving penalties like Mike Hooper. Duncan Micallef tried to convince him to do the Jerzy, but there was no way Neil’s legs could go sideways that far. Ken in Laguna, on the other hand, was demonstrating this ability admirably.
So it was one penalty scored each when Ian Agass stepped up to take his kick. Agass then decided he was too good to score a penalty past a Sausage (the Hammer’s keeper’s nickname telling its own story) and would rather do the "post’" challenge. Mustard it was not. It’s the crossbar challenge from the half way line, Ian, not the post from 5 yards. He had also taken the longest run up for a penalty ever seen. Cmon - the goal was tiny and all he had to do was beat a Wall’s sausage! A pen or two later and that was it, we were out. The Reds now had to play a third-place play-off against Rangers - the dream had died.
Of course, Rangers were dispatched in the Battle of Amici and third place in the competition was ours. Luckily, the Hammers saw off Man Utd in the final after another penalty shoot out and that was it. Tournament over and a great day had by all. Arno had also won a trophy for top goalscorer in the tournament. Even without a left foot.
To top things off, Neil won the signed Gazza shirt in the raffle by drawing his winning ticket himself. Whoops... His best handling of the day. True to form, he then decided to drop the prize in the direction of Camp Quality. Without doubt, Steve was the most disappointed person of the day when Neil pulled out that winning ticket. Sorry Steve - it wasn’t a Gazza looky-likey competition. Is he Gazza’s love child? He definitely beat someone with long hair playing for St Pauli a few times who looked a bit like Sheryl so it’s possible.
And then, to end the day, Ian Agass was rushed to hospital at 6pm after getting all-over body twitches. He was obviously alone! It had nothing to do with the Friday night stag do and 10 beers in Amici the night before the tournament. It was all the fault of Gatorade. Duncan is preparing his defence. Or had Ian been watching the Steve "Gazza" Cairns face twitch and decided to copy it in an attempt to play a bit like him? Can you be hospitalised for shame? Obviously, Ian was discharged immediately and told to lie down in a dark room for a week and not see anybody for a month and maybe in 6 months he could be allowed to go out to places like Amici. Well, it’s doctors orders. To show that everything ended well, Ian Agass has had offers from Pizza Hut to relive his penalty miss. But he’s holding out for Wall’s to get in touch.
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