23-24 November 2007, Padang, 1 Utama, Kuala Lumpur
Squad: Ken Abela, Tony Chan, Andy Creber, Rob Kelly, Ian McAlan, Duncan Micallef, Dave Oh, Andy Rowan, Tony Stringer, Mike Wrigley
Tour report by Ken Abela
The Hong Kong Reds, under the supervision of Dave “Benitez” Oh, had been building a name for themselves in Asia for a while and it was no surprise to be invited to the prestigious, invitation-only Futsal Tournament in Malaysia. To show how hard it was to get an invitation, Gary McAllister flew out to get a game, but ended up having to settle for signing shirts and watching the Liverpool game.
Upon receiving the invitation, Benitez Oh set about preparing the team. His first call was to a well known Scouse coach working in Hong Kong, who was able to point out the basics of football - give the ball to Wriggles, as he’s the only one with talent, and the rest just watch. Or words to that effect... Armed with a knowledge nobody else could possibly have, Dave set up a training session.
These training sessions consisted of playing 5-a-side football at Blake Garden against Andy Rowan’s mates. As soon as the players got there, you could sense the organisational and tactical awareness of The Great Oh. “Ok lads just do whatever,” he implored. Little did we know that Dave’s 5-a-side genius would amount to little more that that phrase…
Thus - armed with tactical genius, one Wriggles, team camaraderie and some well utilized “together time” on the pitch - the Hong Kong Reds went off to Malaysia.
As always seems to happen with the Hong Kong Reds, drama quickly ensued. On the day of the flight, the manager elected to allow the class system to come into effect. Forced to sit with the ordinary folk as the rest of the squad lorded it up in first class were the working-class Pepe Abela and Mascherano Chan (who was wearing a delightful wife-beater vest-and-shorts ensemble). How Andy Rowan - still drunk, shoes hanging out of his bag and having trouble doing anything - ended up in first class, only the God of Seating Plans will ever know.
Unfortunately, this move would end in tragedy. The pure air of first class, the haute cuisine, and the premium videos were followed by what was in comparison a very ordinary car ride to the hotel. This was just too much for some prima donnas. Duncan instantly fell ill once he entered the confines of a mere car, forced to sit with the working classes. The ensuing cold resulted in his missing the first team bonding session, and he chose instead to order pizza in his hotel room. Let that be a lesson to any manager who deems it a good idea to split a well-gelled team. Gel was now well and truly washed out and it was all turning to a greasy mush.
First mention must go to the local lads, who not only picked us up from the airport but, along with driving us to the hotel, also organised a night out for us. That consisted of some great (although maybe not in some people’s eyes) street food, and one or two soft drinks at the local night time entertainment areas. It was during this quiet night out for the lads that Gary McAllister was first spotted, complaining about the lack of action he was getting - a clear indication of his annoyance at not being invited to play footie on the tour.
The next day would be the hardest day in the Hong Kong Reds’ history. Football was not the only thing on the agenda; they would also have to field a quiz side and a group to sing. The first excitement of the day would be the unveiling of the new kit. Now this was no ordinary football kit. It was in fact, or so it seemed, an Aussie Rules football kit with sleeves. The neckline plunged dangerously close to cleavage (for some anyway) and chest hair territory (again, for those that had reached puberty and hadn’t waxed or shaved). In an attempt to make them football-ish, random names had been picked out from the Liverpool squad and printed on the shirts. An error had been made with Ian’s shirt and he ended up with Finnan as opposed to Troare. Honestly, you get something made in China and you’re bound to get one spelling mistake.
Now it has to be said that the Hong Kong Reds, whilst fully versed in the rules of 11-a-side, had no clue how to play 5-a-side football in a netted cage barely big enough for 3 of our lads, let alone 5 and another team. It was left to Benitez Oh to find out the rules, and divulge the information to the rest of the team. He worked like a Spaniard on a siesta, and the Reds side was left clueless as the first game was about to kick off. Now, it has to be said that there were plenty of rules, yet the first one we fell foul of was pure schoolboy territory - kick-offs must go forward. It’s not difficult. Even Andy Cole was able to do it. Yet somehow we struggled with the concept.
It’s perhaps best not to dwell too much on the results. After all, it is the taking part that counts. Let’s just say that Dave’s message of “Do what you want to do” worked well. Andy Rowan wanted to score goals, and he did; Wriggles wanted to start the tour off on a high note, and he did - by moaning at his team-mates; Ian McAlan wanted not to make a tit of himself, and he mostly succeeded - although he was left flat on his arse with nobody near him a number of times; Pepe Abela wanted not to be at fault for too many goals, and he almost accomplished that. In the end it didn’t really matter, as the Hong Kong Reds were dumped out of the cup early. Special mention must go to Wriggles and Pepe for making it into the International All Star Select team and going on to win their game against the Malaysian All Star Select team.
Having been dumped out of the cup, the Reds were left with only 2 more chances of a trophy - the quiz and the singing. First up was the quiz, with Tony Stringer and Dave Oh starting off for the Reds and performing admirably, knocking down each opponent who dared step into the pressure bowl that was the quiz table. The pressure proved too much for Benitez Oh, who decided to go AWOL for the final rounds. Up stepped Wriggles and he and Tony S proceeded to win the first competition for the Hong Kong Reds on foreign soil.
That left the singing contest to go. Little did the rest of the teams know that the Hong Kong Reds had a secret weapon in Andy Creber. What people didn’t know was that he had spent months and months practicing the rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights look whilst tapping his feet in time to the music. No other team showed such passion. The Hong Kong Reds were runaway winners with their fantastic medley. Teams that followed realised the mountain they had to climb and tried to cobble together a number of songs, and even pulled out the letting-the-kids-sing card. It should be said that Andy Rowan was the most sporting of the Hong Kong Reds as he gleefully shook the hands of the losing children whilst making sure they knew winning was all that counted. A lesson learnt early is always best.
The rest of the tour revolved around drinking, some drinking and then more drinking, the highlights of the night being: a) Ian McAlan’s Waterfall Flaming Lamborghini, served to him by the smallest barman in Malaysia; b) Wriggles getting a bottle of JD before telling everyone that he usually goes off on one on JD; c) Wriggles being spot on about the JD; d) Wriggles saying “Renaissance Hotel” to the taxi driver a thousand times, in the faint hope that saying it repeatedly and loudly would help said taxi driver suddenly realise what he meant; and e) the now legendary “Nuts In or Nuts Out”. Suffice it to say the Hong Kong Reds had a great team night out.
So all that’s left are the awards…
First, each event:
Man of the Match…
...for the footie had to be Andy Rowan for scoring over and over - I counted at least 2.
...for the quiz had to be the ever present wealth of knowledge that is Tony Stringer.
…for the singing was a close one but I’ll give it to Ian McAlan because I know his mum reads the website and she’d be proud.
The Everton Wally Wallet Award…
…for the football was shared:
on-pitch it went to Pepe Reina for the one howler;
off-pitch it went to Dave Oh, who steered the ship with a silk rudder and a steady hand an epileptic would have been proud of.
….for the quiz had to go to Dave Oh for disappearing midway through.
…and for the singing - surely only Creber was ever in the running?
Of course, as it was a tour, there can only be one overall winner in each category.
“Man of the Tour” was a close thing.
There was the steady hand of Tony Stringer, who played well in the football and performed well in the quiz. Then you had Ian McAlan, who sang so well his mother would be proud and he didn’t make too much of a fool of himself on the pitch. Then there was Andy Rowan, who turned up hammered at the airport, carried on drinking on the plane, drank through the first night and found out he played much better drunk than he ever did sober, not to mention performing well in the singing. Token pilot-on-tour Rob Kelly performed admirably, scoring in the football and being one of the vocal five in the singing contest. Then of course there was Wriggles who, by being selected for the all-star team, performing well in the singing and doing so well in the quiz, would have been a dead-cert winner had it not been for another “winning” performance (more on that later).
Eventual winner, at the writer’s discretion, had to be Andy Rowan for turning what was a leading Everton Wally Wallet Award performance into a “Man of the Tour” performance.
So onto the Tour Everton Wally Wallet winner.
For this there were 4 horses running. First up was Andy Rowan, who turned up hammered and made that his running theme. Saved himself with a couple of fantastic on pitch moments, some good singing and not putting a foot wrong in the quiz. Second was Dave “Benitez but soon to be Keegan” Oh, for being as managerially apt as a baboon in a shaving contest, for deserting his quiz duties, and for not putting a foot on the pitch with his tour mates. Then there was Tony Chan and his “unique” dress sense - with a five day beard and a wardrobe consisting of footy tops and shorts (which resulted in being refused entry to a bar at one point), TC became a poster boy for the Neanderthal version of What Not To Wear. However, these all paled in comparison with the alcohol-fuelled rant by Planters’ very own Wriggles. Having had a sterling performance all round in the competitions, Wriggles felt it was best to bring out the JD, knowing full well it “sometimes” made him do silly things. He then proceeded to create havoc around Malaysia, to the extent that the next day there were riots on the streets of KL (no, really). You, sir, have taken the art of the Everton Wally Wallet to levels surely never to be seen in Hong Kong again. Well played fella, pulled a winning performance from out of nowhere.
|
Well-deserved winner of the Everton Wally Wallet Award
|
Girl of the Tour was hands down won by Pepsi’s own Duncan for getting ill from not being in first class transport to the hotel, for not coming out with the lads and for shamelessly promoting Pepsi to himself. “Go to Pizza Hut they serve Pepsi there. You know Pepsi is the bold, robust, effervescent magic cola,” he was heard to utter as all thoughts of the cold disappeared. Special mention must go to Ian for his drink on the first night. It’s not often you hear other drinks commenting on each other, but it was reported that Kaliber almost started a ruckus in the girl’s drink section of the bar by comparing it to Julian Clary.
Last but not least a new award…
The award for “Played Well, Sung Well, But Didn’t Make Enough of An Arse of Himself on Tour” goes to Rob Kelly. Sometimes all that’s needed on tour is a healthy fear of the wife back home, and the knowledge that she’s handy with a kitchen knife and has a butcher’s knowledge of meat cutting. Other times, you’re surrounded by those that just raise the bar to astounding new levels. For our Rob, no doubt it was a mixture of the two. Either way, the award is all his…
|
